Silly Receipts

In the Beginning⌂

There was the word. Thousands of years later, some words were on receipts. Even later than that, I started making Silly Receipts.

Was this a worthwhile endeavor? Who can say? Well almost anyone can say. But I say, yes. Of course I do. Yay for me.

The Idea⌂

One day a couple of years ago I picked up a receipt in a Freddy’s and thought it would be funny if I had found something completely outlandish on it. I did not. But it could if anyone had the moxie to acquire a receipt printer, print an outlandish receipt, and leave it there just in time for me to find it.

OK, I admit there is a slim chance of that ever happening.

Since no one did that for me, I’m doing it for others.

The Receipts⌂

Puplix⌂

              Morgan le Fey Plaza               
          1,000,000 N Shady Beast Road          
                Hover, AL 35244                 
         Store Manager: Miguel Firthito         
                  205-428-4923                  

GIANT RHINOCEROUS BOOGERS              $4.99 t F
   Promotion                          -$1.49 t F
    Our    rhinocerous   boogers   are harvested
    strictly   from  wild  rhinocerouses  on the
    Serengeti  Plain.  We  select  from only the
    most  wild  and  ferocious  rhinocerouses to
    ensure  that  bitter  flavor  you've come to
    love.   Sniff.  Snort.  Then  Cavort. That's
    what our boogers say. 
                                                
15 ENDS OF SLIMEY SOCKS               $14.99 T  
    Everyone   knows   the   guilty  pleasure of
    sniffing  a  dirty  sock.  Some people enjoy
    it  so  much  they  force  others  to do it.
    At  SoxSniffers  we  take  sock  sniffing to
    a   new  level.  Our  slime  is  slimier Our
    toe   jam  is  toe  jammier.  Our  fungi out
    fungi   the   other  fungi,  making  YOU the
    fun guy!
                                                
10 OZ COCKROACH ANTENNAE               $7.99 t F
    Do  you  have  any  idea  how  long it takes
    to  harvest  10  oz  of  cockroach antennae?
    Well,   thanks   to   AI  and  micro lasers,
    it's  not  that  long.  Remember,  we do the
    hard  work  so  you  don't  have  to. Simply
    buy  a  bag  of  RoachReceivers and munch to
    your heart's content. 
                                                
5 OZ UNDER CARSEAT SCRAPINGS           $4.98 T  
    We    had    to   start   our   own business
    cleaning  car  seats  to  keep  up  with the
    demand   for   this   one-of-a-kind product.
    Not      only     are     our under-car-seat
    scrapings    the    best    on   the market,
    they're    also   the   only   ones   on the
    market.   I   mean,   seriously,  there's no
    limit  to  the  lengths  we will go to bring
    you    such    high-quality   ingredients as
    dried   baby   vomit   and   powdered diaper
    goo. 

   Order Total                        $31.46    
     Sales Tax                         $1.00    
      Food Tax                         $0.34    
   Grand Total                        $32.80    
Credit          Payment               $32.80    

Change                                 $0.00    

          Receipt ID: 1507 RQW 601 085          
------------------------------------------------
          PRESTO!                               
          Trace #: 422882                       
          Reference #: 3784012305               
          Acct#: XXXXXXXXXXXX2603               
          Purchase: Mastercard                  
          Amount: $32.80                        
          Auth #: 052543                        
------------------------------------------------
CREDIT CARD                             PURCHASE
A00000000042203                         US Debit
Entry Method:                          Cntctless
Mode:                                     Issuer
------------------------------------------------

Your cashier was Duarte

      01.03.2026 19:53:06 T173 0435 C0707       

             Join the Puplix Gang!              
        Apply today at apply.puplix.com         
  We're an unequal opportunity discriminator.   











 

The first receipt is meant to be found by children at a local Publix. The receipt, itself, is branded “Puplix,” rather than “Publix.”

I went to great lengths to ensure the receipt looks as much like a Publix receipt as possible. The top of the receipt to GIANT RHINOCEROUS BOOGERS and from the Order Total to the end look exactly like a receipt I received from Publix.

As for the “purchased” items? I can only hope a child finds the receipt that will find these items at least a little funny.

Connor’s Masters Dice⌂

   Feliz Navidad del Maldito Hombre Frijole     
------------------------------------------------
Order 634           1/2/2026            19:22:29
------------------------------------------------
    To: Connor Bear     
------------------------------------------------
1 Masters Dice                         $0.00 T  
                                                
    All   items   of   chance  or  gambling were
    procured   so   as  to  maximize  the chance
    that    YOURS    came    from   someone made
    destitute   by   its   use.  If  you  have a
    gambling     problem,     please    call the
    Casinos of the Poor Creek Indians. 

Total                                  $0.00    
Sales Tax                              $0.00    
Food Tax                               $0.00    
Grand Total                            $0.00    
------------------------------------------------
            Maldito Hombre Frijole              
    "On the Lookout for a Few Good Illegals"    
          125 Across the Border Street          
             Helena, Alabama 35080              
------------------------------------------------
Question:
What kinds of pants do ghosts wear?
Answer:
Boo-jeans.
------------------------------------------------
Interesting Fact
    Honey  is  the  only  natural  food  that is
    made  without  destroying  any kind of life.
------------------------------------------------
  For when it absolutely positively has to be   
      delivered as illegally as possible.       










 

This receipt is tailored specifically for my middle son, Connor. In this case, however, the “purchased” items are real Christmas gift while their descriptions are not.

Their descriptions are, in fact, nothing more than family humor.
We here at damnbeaner.me are equal opportunity humorists.

Finally, I took great liberties with the FedMex logo, going so far as to poke fun at the illegal immigration issues against which we strive in the United States.

I have two other sons so I guess their Christmas receipts are an inevitability, too.